Learning to say no more often

Many of us say yes to invitations, obligations, and favors too easily. In doing so, we rob ourselves of the time, energy, and opportunity to do far more important things. 

Why do we do it? Often, because we are well-meaning, it is hard for us to say no. We like to be liked, and our willingness to say yes may make us popular with the one who asked. We want to be needed, and the request validates our importance. We like to have influence, and this is an opportunity to be influential. 

Unlike many commodities, time is the one thing that you cannot get back. Money comes and goes, but time simply goes. Every time we say yes to an obligation, we write a "time check." It serves as a time check for both the event we've committed to and the time required for our preparation. The obligation may seem small, but when you add this obligation to many others it starts to add up.

How does one be more discerning in determining what to say yes to? Several suggestions:

One: Practice not saying yes immediately. Instead, say, Thanks for that invitation. Let me take a look at my schedule. That answer allows you to think about the invitation and determine whether you want to make the time investment.

Before responding, consider the time you would be obligated to spend and whether this obligation interferes with more important activities, such as time with your spouse, family, close friends, hobbies, rest, or ongoing education. It is easy to say yes, but there is a tradeoff for every yes you give. Does the tradeoff make sense, or is it a distraction from more important priorities in your life? Many people have a plan for your life, but your inner compass on what is most vital for you can only be made by you. 

Remember that your calendar tells the story of your priorities, and often, our priorities are not well thought out when it comes to how we spend our time. We should be as careful about how we spend our time as we are about how we spend our money. Or more so because you cannot recover time.

Three: Practice the art of saying no more often. A no can be a positive thing - a gift to you. It gives you time to pursue those most important relationships, priorities, and goals that you have. It saves us from the trap of being overcommitted, over tired, and frustrated by our lack of time for the things and relationships that are most important to us.

Every time you say no for a good reason, you give yourself a gift. And the opportunity to invest your time in things that are close to your heart.

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

How self definition can impact your leadership

A key component of healthy individuals is that they are self-defined. I define a self-defined individual as one who understands who they are, is comfortable with who they are, and can clearly articulate their own positions in a way that does not force others to agree and does not demonize those who disagree. 

It is the ability to say, "This is what I think (and why), now tell me how you see it." In doing this, you have made your position clear along with the rationale and have opened the door for honest conversation that can hopefully lead to a better or shared understanding. And if not, you have made your position clear, so there is no misunderstanding.

Because a self-defined individual is secure in their own skin, they can encourage dialogue even with those who might strenuously disagree with them. Some people are unable to do this. They can state their position, but cannot stay connected relationally with those who disagree with them - thus, the conversation is over without resolution.

The ability to have a position and stay connected with those who disagree is a key component of healthy relationships. It is usually in ongoing dialogue that one comes to mutually acceptable conclusions, as long as we are dealing with people who have a level of EQ health. Discussions with those who lack EQ often go nowhere. Thus, our ability to understand the EQ of those we are dealing with becomes a factor in how we deal with them.

Self definition requires leaders to think well before they state a position. But their flexibility and invitatin for dialoge also leaves the doow open for further discussion and in some cases a moification of their views. This is why a non-defensive attitude is so critical. For instance, if staff know that they can honestly push back without repercussions and know they will also be heard, it is often possible to come to a more refined position that works for everyone.

Self-definition is a powerful leadership tool because it goes to the values, convictions, attitudes, and actions that a leader has, and the more consistent these are, the more security those who work for them have. They know what to expect. They know that the principles and convictions are what drive you as a leader, and they know that these are not going to change.

The self-definition of a leader becomes a secure foundation for those who work for them. They know that the key values and principles will not change, giving them security to model the same. They also know that they will get the same version of the leader today as they did in the meeting yesterday. They don't need to wonder which version they will get.

Leaders who lack self-definition and are unpredictable are challenging to work for because there is no accurate compass for others to follow. This is the case with leaders whose idea of the day becomes their mantra until the next thought pops up. Unpredictable leaders are difficult, if not impossible, to follow. 

Being self-defined also means that we can separate ourselves from the issues of others and not fall into the trap of enmeshment or triangulation in relationships. We take responsibility for the problems we have with others and seek to help them resolve their issues, but we can separate ourselves from those problems and not become drawn into them.

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

How many friends do you have who have no agenda except to be your friend?

We all need deep friendships. People who love us, who want the best for us, who encourage us, and whose friendship is mutual. In a discussion about friendships this evening, one of those I was talking to said, "I sat down and tried to make a list of all my friends who didn't have an agenda for me, and I came up with two names." This individual knows many people, but he has come to realize that most of them have some sort of agenda in their friendships.

This is not unusual, but it is sad. 

Now, agendas by themselves are not bad. Whether in business or ministry, we often find ourselves aligning with people and colleagues who share our values or have something to contribute to our work. This is normal, and it is right and can be very helpful. We all need others who can contribute to our work and whom we can, in turn, add value to. It is multiple relationships and synergies that allow leaders to get critical work done. 

But that leaves an essential question for each of us as individuals. Those with an agenda may be friendly, but do they count as true friends?

What makes a true friend? A true friend cares deeply about us. One who will tell us the truth when we need to hear it. One who will challenge our thinking with their own and one who will come alongside us when we are hurting or in trouble. In other words, they love us for who we are, overlook our quirks (which we all have), and will help us become a better version of ourselves through their interactions with us.

These are friendships without agenda except to be a friend. In these relationships, there is deep trust, a willingness to speak encouraging words, and even hard words, where we know there is no ulterior motive except to be a blessing to us. In their company, we can be ourselves, share our deepest thoughts, and know we are safe in their presence. 

Take a moment and make a mental or written list of those kinds of friendships in your life. And then think about your friendships with others. Who are you friends with like that? Do you have an agenda in those friendships apart from just being a friend? 

Life is filled with agendas. Where do we have friendships without an agenda? If you were to crash and burn from issues in your life, who would be there for you because they are simply good friends? It is in the hard times that we find out who our true friends are. That has certainly been true for me. 

A great example of this was The Inklings, a literary group at Oxford where a group of writers, including C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien, developed a genuine bond that lasted for almost 40 years and shaped iconic works such as The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Chronicles of Narnia. They met regularly at a local pub and gave one another support, encouragement, and constructive criticism for their writings. They were people of differing temperaments and had disagreements, and were a source of significant mutual influence with one another. 

It is worth considering the true nature of your friendships. Why do they exist? What is their purpose? Do they have an agenda? And would they be there if life came apart? And who are you that kind of friend for? 

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

In any church conflict it is important to find the core issue and the common source

If you are a leader whose church is in conflict, there are two issues it is helpful to understand. First, what is the actual reason for the conflict, and second, who is at the center of the conflict? 

Understanding the true nature of the conflict is often difficult because the presenting issues are often not the real issues. If one tries to solve the presenting issues without understanding what the actual issues are, there will not be a resolution, because even if you solve the presenting issues, the core issue remains untouched.

I am convinced that most church conflict has nothing to do with the surface or presenting issues and everything to do with power and control issues that lie behind the surface issues. This has to do with decision-making power in the church and control of the church. It is an agenda to force a certain decision or direction hidden behind other presenting issues. Often it is cloaked in spiritual language such as the "good of the church," but at its core, it is about power and control.

How does one know if they are working with the presenting issue or a deeper control issue? One of the key markers is whether those who are complaining and making noise are open to rational discussion and compromise, or if they insist on getting their way. If it is the latter, you are most likely dealing with a power issue, and unless you cede to their demands, the conflict will not stop. If you do cave to their demands, you have allowed power brokers with an agenda to win the day and that is always unhealthy in the church.

Often in church conflict it feels like everyone is involved because loud voices prevail. The truth of the matter is that power games in the church are rarely widespread, but like power games everywhere, can be traced back to an individual or a small group of individuals. I call these the voice behind the voices. Power games in the church are never a general group but always have an individual or a small group of individuals behind them and there is usually one central figure. They usually stay in the background and feed discontent, but the common voice one hears from others is an indicator that this is not random conflict but has a leader or leaders behind it. Common language and common attitudes are clear indicators.

How do you determine who is at the core of the conflict? Listen to the language, have a lot of conversations, ask a lot of questions, and eventually you connect the dots toward a common source. Unless you understand the real issue and can deal with the common source, one has no chance of mitigating the conflict.

We are often naive in the church regarding conflict. We too easily believe presenting issues, not wanting to believe that power politics might be present in our congregation. In addition, we are too slow in dealing with the true source of the conflict because we are dealing with people who hide behind spiritual language. None of that, however, changes the damage that they are doing to the church. Power politics in the church destroys unity, hurts leadership and people with agendas hurt the body. The proof that you are dealing with power politics is when you get to the core group and they will not live under the authority of the pastor or elders. Those who don't respond to appropriate authority are playing power politics. 

The ultimate power play is simply to call for the resignation of the pastor and the board. Here is where motives are nakedly plain. I was the pastor of a church where this once happened and church chairman in another church where it happened. In both cases, the real issues had been revealed, and the core parties had been exposed. Their last stand was to try to force the leadership out of office. When they lost their bid, they left the church, clearly unwilling to live under authority. When someone pulls a power play in the church and walks when they lose it is an indication this was about power and control in most instances.

The bottom line? As Jesus said, be innocent as doves and wise as serpents. Don't be fooled! Be smart. Be wise. Be prayerful. Act carefully.

It is often helpful to get outside counsel from someone who can give objective feedback and who does not have a stake in the outcome. That is often a threat to the dissenters who are counting on their influence to win the day, and now there is a new level of accountability.

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

Six non-negotiable principles for a successful outcome in church conflict

After many years of working with churches that find themselves in conflictual situations, I have concluded that there are six non-negotiable principles for a successful outcome.

First, an outside facilitator is usually necessary. The nature of conflict is that people take sides, making it very difficult for anyone within to play the role of a neutral mediator. In fact, the larger the conflict, the more critical it is that the individual you bring in is trusted by both sides to have the best interests of the church at heart. The sooner you bring someone in when it is clear that the situation is dangerous, the better.

An outside facilitator must come with a neutral stance and be willing to genuinely listen to all sides, with the desire to find the truth. When I have played this role, I made it clear to the board as a precondition that I would listen attentively, gather information, and share my conclusions with the congregation without seeking board approval for that report first. If they were unwilling to agree to this, I would not help them because factions often exist on the board level as well and I had to be impartial in my findings and recommendations.

The board and the congregation still had to decide whether they would accept my recommendations but I needed the ability to share what I learned openly and honestly. The rest was up to them - and I was of course willing to help them with the next steps.

I cannot overemphasize that a neutral outside individual or individuals can be critical in church conflict resolution. When I held that role, I had to convey some difficult messages to various groups within the church, and I needed to do so honestly, fairly, and without worrying about how people would react. When reporting back to the congregation, I would always ask them how candid they wanted me to be. They would say very candid and I would respond, "I will do that but understand that I will likely make all of you unhappy with something I say." Getting their permission to speak freely and warning them that my findings and recommendations might not be pleasing to them gave me the freedom to speak openly and gave them a heads up that it might not always be to their liking.

Here is the thing. Spin does not work in conflict. Only truth works - hard as it might be to hear.

Second, the issues that are fueling the conflict need to be brought into the light. Conflict thrives in the shadows, in gossip, in cliques, in assumptions, and behind the scenes. Bringing all the competing agendas, attitudes, and positions into the light and allowing all members of the congregation to understand what is being said, what is happening, and what the issues are takes the mystique out of the situation, allowing everyone to respond from a position of knowledge. It also removes the power of those who have an agenda but have not been willing to make it public, instead exerting pressure from behind the scenes. Getting everything on the table allows all stakeholders to understand what is happening and to have a voice in resolving the issues. Ironically, those who are most vociferous in their opinions often exaggerate their support when, in fact, if all facts were known, the majority would not agree. Bringing the issues, actions, and words out of the shadows is key to successful resolution.

Third. Reconciliation is always preferable to disunity. This is actually a hard concept for many who have taken a position in church conflict. First, our natural tendency is to take a hard line, and once we have told others about our own line in the sand, it is humbling to change our position. Second, the longer the conflict persists, the more we tend to view members of the opposing side as evil, dishonest, and disingenuous, with bad motives. Once we demonize people, it becomes difficult to envision reconciliation as a possibility. 

Not being willing to consider reconciliation is to make a mockery of God's reconciliation with us and His call for us to be reconcilers. Speaking of church conflict, this is what Paul had to say to the Corinthians. "I appeal to you brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought (1 Corinthians 1:10)." 

In Ephesians 4:1-6 Paul writes, "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to one hope when you were called - one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all." Having said that, it may not be possible to reconcile and stay together. Sometimes it means that we part ways and speak well of one another.

Fourth, ground rules need to be established. One of the most incendiary fuels in all conflict is the absence of ground rules - what is acceptable and what is not. For a list of the ground rules that I recommend, see my blog, Negotiating church conflict in a healthy manner. Or, if you want to keep it very simple, look back at the passage in Ephesians 4:1-6, where he says to be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. When you think about it, these characteristics are almost always lacking during conflict. What gets in our way? Pride, wanting to get our own way, anger, and our emotions.

Five, you may not convince everyone. There are people who don't want to reconcile. There are people whose pride exceeds their humility, and they have no desire to seek a win-win solution. 

In working with churches in conflict, I don't do very much to try to convince the unconvincible, even if they have the loudest voices. 

I am seeking individuals who are committed to peace and reason and are willing to collaborate in promoting unity within the church. This does not mean that the issues that have caused disunity are swept under the rug. To the contrary, as principle two states, they are all on the table, and those that need to be addressed are addressed. To do that successfully, however, it requires men and women of peace and reason, whose personal agendas do not cloud their emotions.

Who is most likely to leave in a church conflict? Those who have taken a hard stand and cannot or will not compromise that stand. Frankly, it is good for them to leave because they will simply contribute to ongoing conflict if they are not willing to come together with the rest of the congregation.

Sixth: It is a process. Church conflict does not start overnight, and it does not get settled overnight. In some cases, it may take a year to bring the church back to health. The benefits of doing so far outweigh the trauma of either a church split (which damages churches for years to come), a power play by a faction in the church (which causes huge trauma to a church and a significant lack of trust), or not dealing with it at all, which dooms the church to later issues.

What is needed for a healthy process is a willingness of the congregation to work together, recognizing that how they handle their differences will either enhance or diminish the reputation of Jesus. If his reputation is at stake—and it is—I will do all I can to enhance it.

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

Ten principles for handling conflict in the church

One of the observations I have made in working with churches that are experiencing conflict is that we generally don't do it very well. Conflict itself is not inherently bad, provided it involves differing ideas on how to accomplish our mission. The issue is always how we handle the conflict or our differences. It is poor handling of differences that gets us in trouble, not the differences themselves, which are merely differing perspectives on what should be done. That being said, here are some principles that can help us negotiate conflict or differences in a healthy manner.

One: Disagreement and expressing that disagreement is not wrong. Some are afraid to share their opinions because they have been told that to do so is gossip. It is not. All of us have the right to share our views in the church, provided we do so in a healthy manner. It is unhealthy to try to shut down discussion in the church. It is OK to talk. It's OK to express our views. It is OK to differ with others.

Two: Gossip is sin. Gossip is "idle talk or rumor, especially about personal or private affairs of others" (Wikipedia). Gossip differs from sharing our opinion, as it concerns the motivations or actions of others and is generally destructive in nature. Scriptures are clear that gossip is wrong. Gossip includes questioning the motives of others, passing along third-party information as fact, and denigrating others. Disagreement or stating our views is not gossip; it is simply expressing what we think.

Three. Robust dialogue is healthy. Robust dialogue means that we can discuss any issue, except for personal attacks or hidden agendas. There are differing views within congregations on a variety of issues. It is good to talk about those things, but to do so without personal attacks, hidden agendas, or language that inflames rather than informs. Healthy leaders invite healthy dialogue and listen to those who speak.

Four: Unity in diversity is critical. Unity within the body of Christ is a high value in Scripture. Congregations are made up of different views, opinions, social and ethnic backgrounds, but it is the Holy Spirit that binds us together as one. Each of us has the same Holy Spirit in his or her heart , and that spirit is a spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. If we live in His Spirit, we can have differences and still remain united as one body. As Paul put it in Ephesians 4:3, "Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

Five: Being able to disagree and stay in relationship is good Emotional Intelligence and demonstrates the work of the Holy Spirit. Each of us has preferences and opinions on many things in the church. What we want to be able to do is state those positions while remaining in fellowship and friendship with those who hold differing positions. This is not always easy, but it is Biblical.

Six: By extension, marginalizing or demonizing those who disagree with us is bad Emotional Intelligence and does not reflect the Holy Spirit. It is one thing to disagree with someone. It is another to believe that they are bad people because they think differently and to allow our differences to shatter our relationships, trust, or to see them as evil. This does not reflect the will of the Holy Spirit.

Seven: Taking on the offense of others is foolish and wrong. My best friend has an issue with someone in the church, so out of friendship, I take up their offense and allow their issue to become my issue. This is foolish and wrong because I have allowed my friend to alienate me from others when I have no personal reason to do so. Nor can I resolve an issue that is not my issue. It happens in families and congregations, and it contributes to greater conflict.

Eight: The church is the Bride of Christ, and therefore, we must display the attitude of Christ toward one another even when we differ from one another. The church is unlike any other organization, for it is the Bride of Jesus and His chosen instrument for reaching the world. We of all people need to be His people in good times and in hard times. Paul writes in Philippians 2:4, "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." 

Nine: Forgiveness is often needed when we have conflict. We need not apologize for having differing views and perspectives but we do need to apologize when our words, attitudes or actions get the best of us and we say or do things that are not pleasing to God. I have often had to apologize in times of conflict. God is pleased when we keep short accounts and forgive those who need forgiveness and seek forgiveness when we need it.

Ten: Pray diligently! When we focus on ourselves we want to be right and win. When we focus on God we start to see those who differ with us in a different light and desire God to win. In prayer, our hearts are often softened and changed, our humility is increased and our desire for a Godly solution is heightened.

There will be conflict this side of heaven. Lets do all we can to handle it well.

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

Six things a church board should not do when there is church conflict

One of the most difficult jobs of a church leadership board is to deal with differences of opinion within the congregation, especially when the issues are significant, sides are being taken by parishioners , and there may even be the possibility of a church split (whether that means many people leaving or the church literally splitting). 

Boards often respond to such situations just as a person does when attacked - with a defensive posture. Usually, it includes a circling of the wagons where there is a great deal of secrecy, the labeling of people who may disagree with their position as dissidents, an attempt to shut down discussion of the issues, and even intimidation through threats of "church discipline." In other words, just as each of us operates under challenging circumstances with either good or bad EQ, there is a corporate board EQ that responds either in healthy or unhealthy ways to church related issues. 

Ironically, while boards can point the finger at what they may justifiably (or not) label as behaviors of congregants as sinful or divisive, they can be equally guilty of the same behaviors. Of course, they can use the "authority" card, even when their behavior is not healthy.

I have several suggestions for boards who find themselves in this position.

One. Do not shut down legitimate discussion. Whenever we try to muzzle people, we are operating out of fear rather than from a position of health. Whenever there cannot be a free discussion of differences, while staying connected with one another, we are operating from fear. Healthy leaders both invite candid dialogue and strive for win-win solutions rather than win-lose outcomes. They are non-defensive, open, listen carefully, and work toward solutions that preserve the unity of the church. When boards circle the wagons, free dialogue is over.

Two: Do not marginalize people who disagree with you. This is a common behavior when one feels under attack. Rarely is this about whether those who disagree with us are sinful or righteous, but rather that we disagree on process or solutions. Often, division comes when one side or another takes a position that disenfranchises the other, rather than looking for ways to address the concerns of both sides. 

Three: Don't do it alone. When issues become magnified and positions become staked in the ground, you often need an outside facilitator who can help moderate a discussion. A skilled outside facilitator does not have an agenda and therefore can speak to both sides and help them come together. Resisting an outside voice is usually an indicator that we want our way rather than a win/win solution. 

Four: Realize that the more you spin the issues and try to manage people who disagree with you the more dysfunctional the debate will become. People don't like to be manipulated, and many boards that go on the defensive do just that with spiritual language, board "authority", and actions that put people in a corner. The more a board tries to "manage" the debate rather than allowing it to occur, the more dysfunctional the debate will become. Ironically, it is in trying to shut down discussion that the issues become even more problematic. When people don't feel heard, they will try all the harder to be heard. 

Five: Remember that you can split the church (the bride) simply by making it clear that "if you don't agree, you should leave." Many will not fight a board and pastor but feel forced out nonetheless. When people start redirecting their giving, for instance, it is usually done because they feel there is no other way to send a message to leaders about the direction of the church. Leaders who fail to recognize such signs are either in denial or foolish. I am always amazed by leaders (including pastors) who are willing to see large numbers of people leave who don't agree with them. They may get their way, but the conflict will never truly end, as those who leave will continue to have relationships back at the church they left. 

Six: You cannot move forward by marginalizing a segment of the church. Leaders need to honor the past as they build for the future. Being willing to sacrifice the past for the future is neither Biblical nor unifying. Yet it happens all too often. Ephesians 4:3ff is a good place to start in terms of how we see the folks in our congregations: 

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to one hope when you were called - one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."

Boards and other leaders who feel defensive need to live out the theology of unity. It takes wisdom and humility, but it is possible. And don't discount the possibility that the critics may see something you don't see. 

One caveat. If the conflict arises because someone in the congregation seeks to dominate and is stirring the pot to leverage their position, and if gossip and untrue statements are being propagated, leaders must address this and, if necessary, call it out. Intentionally causing division to get one's way is different than legitimate questions or differences of views.  On the other hand, often when I have mediated church conflict, some people saw issues that needed to be addressed, but were instead labeled as troublemakers because the board was unwilling to deal with the problem. Don't go defensive. Have an honest discussion.

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

When we take on the issues of others rather than keeping our own counsel

Some of the most challenging situations I faced as an organizational leader involved individuals who would call my office angry, unhappy, and irrational over issues they had no firsthand knowledge of. They had taken up someone else's problem and gone on a crusade.

The reason these are such difficult situations is this. First, because they don't have firsthand knowledge, one cannot have a rational conversation about what really happened. All they know is what they "heard" happened, and in the context of anger, hurt, and raw emotions. Thus, this is not a conversation about facts but perceived facts and emotional reactions. Conversations that cannot be focused on objective facts are usually conversations that cannot be resolved. 

Second, the conversations are crazy-making because those who take up others' offenses usually do not reveal that fact. It is clear from the conversation that there is an underlying issue (someone else's offense), but it is never stated, making it challenging to address. If I sense there is an underlying issue, I will often probe as to what it is and try to get to the heart of the matter. Dealing with side issues does not help one resolve the real underlying issues. Unless that is put on the table, there is no resolution.

Third, since these conversations are not about facts due to the absence of firsthand knowledge, they ultimately become about perceptions and anger. Perceptions of others are usually wrong, and anger cannot be resolved without dealing with facts. And facts cannot be established without those with firsthand knowledge present. 

Finally, these are no-win conversations because those who take up the offense of others have no way to move on because they cannot resolve "facts." So while the person whose offense they picked up moves on eventually, those who picked up the offense do not and cannot.

When there is conflict, the goal must always be to achieve reconciliation. The goal is to come to an understanding and achieve a level of peace. When I take up someone else's offence, however, I am doing just the opposite, enlarging the conflict rather than minimizing it: I cannot solve it for others; my own anger spills over to others; I have no objectivity in the situation, and because it is not my issue, I cannot find resolution. It is a no-win situation and does nothing to bring reconciliation or peace.

Picking up someone else's offense is foolish, demonstrates poor EQ, and causes relational havoc beyond what is necessary. It is one thing to seek to help resolve an issue in a healthy and productive manner. But once you take up another's offense, there is no good way out.  

One of the hallmarks of good emotional intelligence is that we can empathize with others without getting enmeshed in their issues. This does not mean that we do not care, provide counsel, and support. It does mean that we don't allow the problems of others to become "our" issues. 

A key to this is what I call "keeping my own counsel." Everyone has a perspective on issues, but they are not always accurate or fair. It is their perspective. This is especially true in relationships. I often hear negative things about others. In line with keeping my own counsel, I seek to listen and, when appropriate, ask questions, but ultimately I must make my own judgments based on my own personal experience rather than on the perspective of others. It is not wise, fair, or healthy for me to simply take the opinions of others when my experience does not line up with theirs or when I have no firsthand knowledge. 

In addition, I want to avoid enmeshment because I cannot solve other people's issues for them. I can encourage them to resolve their issues with whoever they have those issues. I can offer to mediate a meeting between them for resolution. But ultimately, I am responsible for my problems and not for theirs. All manner of relational chaos is caused when I take up the offense of others without firsthand knowledge and based on their information alone. 

Getting sucked into the issues of others takes a relational breakdown between two people and multiplies it among others, where they were never part of the original breakdown and have simply taken on the stuff of others rather than keeping their own counsel. This is often the stuff of organizational conflict and church splits. What was an issue between two parties becomes an issue between multiple parties, and what was a minor problem now becomes a significant issue. What was complicated now has become exceedingly complex. What might have been resolvable is now often not resolvable.

When we have issues with others, we always have the choice as to whether we draw others in and seek to influence their opinion of the one we have problems with, or whether we keep our own counsel, seek to resolve the situation, but not to influence the opinions of others. It is not my place to hurt the reputation of others, but to ensure that my own behavior is healthy. 

This is all about demonstrating wisdom in our relationships with others, living with healthy emotional intelligence, and being peace makers rather than stoking conflict.

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

When none of your options are good options

Let me pose an interesting dilemma. There are times that we face situations in our ministries where a crisis has occurred, or a decision must be made, and all available options seem to be bad options. 

Here is an example: A financial crisis needs to be addressed, but the process will be painful due to the lack of viable solutions. Any and all decisions on the table are tough choices that will inevitably bring some kind of pain. Or you have a personnel decision that needs to be dealt with, but there seems to be no upside in the choices you have in dealing with it. There are times when the only options we have are bad.

I have seen a variety of responses to situations where all the options are bad. One response is for leaders to not act at all because they want a good option, and they see none. Humanly speaking, this is understandable as none of us want to deal with the fallout of bad choices. Of course, this simply delays the inevitable, and the options rarely get better by waiting. 

The exception is with personnel issues, where waiting can be a viable option if behaviors known to a few become evident to many by giving the issue time, thus minimizing the fallout when a decision is made. However, this is not ignoring the issue but choosing to wait on the issue - a strategic difference.

A second response is to face the bad options realistically and choose the best of the bad options. This is often true in financial situations or where a staff member has caused a situation that is going to be painful to address, no matter what. 

I recently moderated an international situation where neither party could expect a favorable outcome due to past decisions made by others. While closure was needed, it was going to be a closure that both parties had to swallow hard to accept. This is often the case in church conflict situations as well, where the conflict has become so complicated and contentious that in the short term, all that will be experienced is pain. 

There is good news, however. If leaders wisely choose a course of action, knowing they have no good current options and that it will cause short-term pain, they can achieve long-term gains simply by being willing to do the hard work of tackling the issue despite the pain in the process. Choosing the best of bad options today can lead to closure and health down the line. 

At times, leadership is nothing more than choosing between bad and painful options. But being willing to make the choice for the sake of a healthier future.

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

A quick start to understanding the culture of the organization you are a part of

Take a moment to reflect on the organization you are part of. Answer these questions with a simple yes or no. You might also consider asking a few colleagues to do the same and then compare your responses. Be honest, and don't worry about your answers. If you are a leader, remember that your staff as a group may have a different perspective than you do. But questions like these can help you at least think more deeply about the culture that currently exists in your organization. Answer with a simple yes or no.

• We have a remarkably healthy culture in our organization.
• Most relationships here can be characterized as healthy.
• I genuinely enjoy working here and intend to remain with the organization.
• We can engage in robust dialogue where any issue can be discussed openly without personal agendas or hidden attacks.
• Staff members are listened to and actively invited to participate in decision making where appropriate.
• Some individuals here do not treat others well, showing unkindness and creating difficulties for their colleagues.
• Our mission, values, direction, and expected behaviors are clearly defined.
• I can articulate our mission, values, direction, and behaviors quickly.
• There is alignment throughout the organization concerning these principles.
• There are some areas with an unhealthy culture within the organization.
• All people on our staff have an appropriate voice at the table.
• We confront and address toxic behaviors effectively.
• Our staff is highly engaged in their work.
• I would describe our leaders as humble, approachable and non-defensive.
• My supervisor knows the name of my spouse (if married) and my children.
• There exists an underlying level of cynicism among staff members towards leaders.
• My supervisor often engages me in meaningful dialogue and listens rather than issuing unilateral directives.
• I feel empowered to perform my job effectively, with minimal micromanagement.
• There are individuals in the organization whose competencies are questionable and who create challenges for those around them.
• At times, I feel more like a means to an end rather than a unique individual with particular gifts and abilities.
• My strengths are fully utilized in my work.
• I am free to share any concerns regarding the company with my supervisor without holding anything back.
• I believe I am compensated fairly for my contributions
• If there were a job opening, I would encourage my best friend to apply.
• I would appreciate discussions about the importance of a healthy culture and its implications for our organization.
• If asked, I could identify at least three areas of our culture that could be improved. 
• The dominant culture actively works to welcome, include, and appreciate members of minority cultures within our organization.
• Knowing what I know now, I would apply for my job again.
• We strive to ensure that our portrayal aligns with our true identity.
• We allow poor behavior to go unchallenged.
• I would describe our leaders as level five: humble, serving their staff well, open and non-defensive, and contributing to a great workplace.
• We have unspoken rules that are only revealed when one crosses a hidden line.

Having considered these questions, what are your observations about the culture of the organization you are a part of?

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

·   

·    

Leadership curiousity and organizational excellence

Why are we not more curious about what is happening in our organizations? I suspect we often resist good questions because they can make us uncomfortable.

In her excellent book Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown suggests that “Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires surrender to uncertainty. We have to ask questions, admit to not knowing, risk being told that we shouldn’t be asking, and, sometimes, make discoveries that lead to discomfort.”

This is a profound statement when it comes to understanding our organization. It is those discoveries that lead to discomfort that cause us to learn, grow, and get better.

Comfort is not what causes us to get better. Discomfort is.

The best leaders are not those who choose comfort but those who are willing to be uncomfortable and, in that discomfort, discover and dialogue about things they would otherwise not discuss.

Organizations tend to gravitate toward comfort and predictability. It is why they become institutional over time, losing their missional bent. The rule becomes, “don’t rock the boat, and those who do rock the boat can be labeled as troublemakers and irritants. Yet, these individuals may be the most valuable staff you have.

The best leaders create discomfort. They create waves without sinking the ship to discover new answers and confront the uncomfortable. They always look beneath the hood to see what is there. They are sleuths seeking to understand what is happening beneath the surface. For them, “bad or problematic” findings are “good news” because they have found something that can be made better. They are not afraid of candid evaluation of the organization but embrace it. The truth of what is there does not create defensiveness but rather instills hope and promise that things can become better.

My goal is to change our mindset about looking candidly at our organizations. Rather than seeing such an evaluation as a threat, we should view it as an opportunity to grow and improve, and everyone benefits. When we react defensively, everyone loses because nothing gets better.

Leaders, whether staff or board members, often fail to ask the right questions and instead guard the status quo, rather than embracing the vulnerability of curiosity and the discomfort that comes with it. If you want to break the ice, do a whiteboard session where everyone is invited to ask the hardest questions they can about the organization. Not to criticize but to challenge the status quo, create discomfort all around, and see if we are satisfied with our answers.

I once worked with a non-profit where the interviews with constituents raised significant questions around common themes. The discomfort of the senior leader and certain members of the board caused the results to be put on ice, and the conversation stopped. There was a lack of curiosity and honest discussions at the senior level. There was only defensiveness and a desire to keep the status quo. Yet the vast majority of those below them saw that the organization needed to make significant changes. Leadership, however, was either unwilling to examine the culture map or to consider reevaluating the outdated and ineffective leadership paradigms that were present.

It is in choosing to be curious, as Brene Brown says, that we make discoveries that lead to discomfort. And it is there that we can get better. But we must be open to curiosity and challenging questions to get there.

Peter Drucker, the renowned management guru, had a deep understanding of what was happening in industry and business. How did he know? Every morning for many years, he would call “line operators” in various companies and ask probing questions. He didn’t call the presidents, vice presidents, or leadership team, but those who directed the work. And then he listened and asked a lot of questions.

One of the most strategic things any leader can do is invest time in talking to staff at all levels. In those conversations, ask questions, listen carefully, and follow the trails that emerge.

Understanding your organizational culture may be one of the most challenging tasks for a leader. Not because it is hard to do, but because it can reveal truths that can be hard to accept. This discipline requires living out the commitments: “Nothing to prove, nothing to lose, and nothing to hide.”

Understanding your current culture is a humble undertaking. Beneath the shiny exterior, there will always be some rust and corrosion you don’t want to find. You may find pockets of dysfunction, people in the wrong seats, leaders who don’t empower and release, a lack of alignment, and systems that are broken.

If you can shift your mindset from viewing these discoveries as negative to seeing them as opportunities for growth and improvement, and if you can embrace discoveries that lead to discomfort, as Brené Brown suggests, you will be on your way toward a healthier culture and a better organization. But it always starts with the willingness to be uncomfortable… in order to become better!

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.